Boundaries

2024/01/01 12:00 AM Filed in: Boundaries

Multiple books* have been written on this subject that can be explored further. As a recovering addict of irritation or anger is my go-to method of coping with stressful situations, I can say that boundaries have been vital in becoming more Christlike. It helps take back control. I felt lost in many situations and habitually tried to take back the reins by expressing anger. It had become so natural and subconscious that even after two dedicated years of concentrating on this and a year more high-level focus, it still slips out and takes conscious effort to get back to how I want to be. I have to be vigilant and actively on guard for these things.

I have heard people talk about boundaries for years, and how I have listened to people bring it up has, at least for me, brought negative thoughts about using boundaries. For example, "Person X violated my boundaries, and I am not going to let them do that to me," or advice given, "Set some boundaries, girl, and don't let him walk all over you like that."

Neither of these is very bad, but akin to anger, they are often said in anger and in a way that comes across as the person intentionally trying to walk all over you, and you will stand your ground and control them.

Instead, I think if I heard in a helpful and calm voice something like, "I need to set some better boundaries for myself and make it better known what I am okay with," or "I think boundaries might help you in your situation so you don't feel so helpless." I would have come to learn about them sooner.

The former, to me, comes across as a victim mindset, and the latter one of proactivity. What was so helpful for me to learn was that boundaries are not something you set for the other person, which I had mistakenly come to believe from how I often heard it said, but something you set for yourself. Another way to put it is that it is not intended as punishment for the person but to state what you are and are not okay with so the person can know what framework they can work with. Both of you can choose peacefully to remain in contact or, if possible, go your separate ways if you are indeed at an impasse.

Effective communication states clearly what information needs to be said with as few stumbling blocks from the messenger as possible. So, by stating, "You have crossed my boundary," or worse yet, "You have violated my boundary," you communicate antagonism and me vs. you rather than I want to work with you and make things happen; XYZ needs to happen to move forward.

Also, remember that patience and long-suffering are vital and communicate love and that you care. Otherwise, what is communicated is that you are persnickety and unwilling to deal with the inconvenience and ignorant of your shortcomings and the inconveniences you cause others.

Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships and emotional well-being. They define our personal space, protect our energy, and ensure we're treated with respect. So what are some boundaries one might set for themselves, and how would you communicate them?

Here are some common boundaries people set for themselves, along with tips on communicating them effectively:
Time Boundaries:

Limiting work hours: Setting specific working hours and sticking to them, even when working remotely, helps maintain a healthy work-life balance. You can communicate this to colleagues by stating your availability and politely declining requests outside those hours.
Scheduling "me time": Block out time in your schedule for activities you enjoy, like reading, exercising, or spending time with loved ones. Let others know about these commitments and prioritize them to avoid feeling drained or resentful.

Emotional Boundaries:

Not taking on other people's problems: It's okay to offer support, but avoid becoming emotionally responsible for others' issues. Gently explain that you can't fix everything while you care and suggest alternative resources if needed.
Not tolerating disrespect: Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. If someone is rude or hurtful, calmly but firmly address the behavior and let them know it's unacceptable.

Physical Boundaries:

Maintaining personal space: Be mindful of how close you stand to others and politely excuse yourself if someone invades your comfort zone. This is especially important during the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic.
Setting limits on physical touch: Not everyone is comfortable with hugs or other forms of physical contact. Communicate your preferences clearly and respect others' boundaries as well.

Communication Boundaries:

Not responding to texts or calls immediately: Taking time to respond to messages is okay, especially outside of work hours. Let people know you'll get back to them when you have the time and capacity.
Limiting social media usage: Constant scrolling can be overwhelming and detrimental to mental health. Set specific times for checking social media and stick to them to create space for other activities.

Remember, setting boundaries is an ongoing process. It takes practice and assertiveness, but it's crucial for protecting your well-being and fostering healthy relationships. Be clear, respectful, and consistent in your communication, and don't be afraid to adjust your boundaries as needed.

Unfortunately, people let others walk on them without letting them know their limits or inner struggles, then when they have had all they can take, they blow up on the person or group of people and, in many cases, blindside them. The person with the unclear boundary might have made little suggestions, quips, jokes, or jabs but never stated clearly, repeatedly, and firmly until they left it up to anger to set the boundary.

A story to illustrate the point. I worked for a company that had me teaching guitar and audio to another company, and we would often work many hours past the designated paid time I was scheduled to work. Promises were made, and promises were broken; I continued to allow them to work me past my scheduled time night after night for months. Then, just like stated above, I had had enough. They were friendly to work with, but I was never thanked for my extra hours of free labor. If they did, they might be acknowledging that I needed to acknowledge myself and that I was working for free.

Was I learning things and having fun along the way?

Yes.

Was the trade-off worth it?

No, it wasn't, but they had no way of knowing that and how much it was eating into my health and time with my wife and two children at the time.

I stayed up until around 2 in the morning restating all the injustices that were done to me by this third party person/company I was working for until my wife was in tears, having learned all of it. I finally put my foot down and said something. I let the company I was working through set some boundaries because I was too scared. They were shocked to learn that I was staying so many hours past and working into the night nearly every night.

I hated to be the bad guy and say that I wasn't comfortable working for free that long. What if they felt my services weren't worth it or rejected me? It didn't matter, and I needed to get my life back, so at that point, I needed to take ownership, no blame, and recognize that I was even more to blame than they were.

After saying you can work me as hard as you want with no time to socialize or joke, I need to leave by 9:00 PM. The first night, of course, would be difficult after months of this. The first night, after stating my boundary earlier in the day without stating that it was "my boundary" and indicated by the primary company I was working through, we kept working past 9:00 PM. At 9:15 PM, I spoke up and said I needed to leave, and a surprised and upset response came back. The computer shut down, and we lost time. I politely stated (but I probably showed some annoyance in reality) that computers do that, and I got us back up and running where we left off. I was disgruntly dismissed for the evening and went home.

The next night, it was 9:05 PM, and we were still going full tilt. I said that I needed to go (I didn't want to be a clock watcher and make them feel like this was drudgery for me because it wasn't), and I got a polite Okay, we'll see you later with a smile.

By the third night at 9:00 PM on the dot, I was politely thanked for my work and help and a kind, we'll see you tomorrow. I was dumbfounded, shocked, and ecstatic all in one. Here, I was thanked for possibly the first time I was leaving. I was leaving on time and could get some rest and have more time for other things in my life that were also important to me.

I was surprised when I was given gifts shortly after setting this time boundary. It was clear that having boundaries made my life better and their life better, not having the stress of wondering if they were treating them fairly. The kicker came when I had since left the company but still sent gifts for my months of work and service.

I could share many other stories, but that example illustrates the point. Remember that boundaries take a lot of work and effort, so don't set them for yourself for every inconvenience and expect them to need to be maintained so you don't slip back into old ways. Depending on the boundary, they can be well worth the effort for the rewards gained for you and those around you.

Always try to make sure both parties win when setting boundaries. Here are some additional tips for communicating your boundaries effectively:

Use "I" statements: Focus on how you feel or what you need rather than making accusations or blaming others. For example, say, "I feel uncomfortable when you..." instead of "You're being disrespectful."
Offer alternatives: Suggest another way to handle the situation if you're saying no to something.
Be prepared for pushback: Not everyone will be happy with your boundaries, but that's okay. Stay firm and reiterate your needs.
Seek support: Setting boundaries can be challenging, so don't hesitate to seek support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist.

By taking these steps, you can effectively communicate your boundaries and create a fulfilling and respectful life for you and those around you.

Imagine life as a dance floor. We all move to our own rhythms, have different boundaries like personal space, and interact with each other in these shared spaces. Sometimes, people might unintentionally step on our toes or bump into us, causing frustration or resentment.

That's where boundaries come in. They're not walls or rigid fences but invisible lines we draw around ourselves like a gentle dance partner's hand guiding us in a graceful waltz. These lines define our comfort zones, what we're okay within the dance, and what steps we prefer not to take.

Communicating these boundaries is like saying to your partner, "Hey, I love dancing with you, but could you maybe avoid stepping on my foot? Or perhaps when we spin, let's keep a little more space." It's not about stopping the dance or blaming anyone but about clarifying our preferences and ensuring everyone enjoys the rhythm.

Setting boundaries takes practice, but it's worth it. Just like a well-coordinated dance, clear boundaries bring peace, respect, and even more beautiful, harmonious movement in relationships. And guess what? When everyone's dancing in their own rhythm and respecting each other's space, the whole floor becomes a joyful celebration!

*I receive a small commission for books purchased from this link, some of which I have not read.