Faith, Connection, and Control: Thoughts on Authentic Spiritual Relationships

2024/10/01 12:00 AM Filed in: Relationships

In the delicate dance of faith-based dating, the line between holding firm to one's beliefs and wielding them as a weapon of judgment can become surprisingly thin. Recently, a friend (whom I'll call Julie) shared her experience dating a devout man that illustrates this common challenge in religious dating circles. I don't know his name so let's call him Peter.

Julie's story begins hopefully enough – a connection with someone who shared her faith and valued spiritual growth. Peter presented himself as a man dedicated to his beliefs, seeking a partner equally committed to their shared faith. His financial stability and religious devotion seemed to offer promising foundation for a relationship.

However, what began as an expression of religious commitment gradually revealed itself as something more concerning. In their brief time dating, Julie found herself increasingly uncomfortable with Peter's approach to faith and relationships. Rather than feeling uplifted by their shared beliefs, she felt diminished by what appeared to be an assumption of moral superiority.

The turning point came when Julie decided to end their dating relationship. Peter's response illuminated the deeper issues at play. His messages, while outwardly respectful, carried undertones of spiritual authority that felt less like guidance and more like judgment. "If you wish to have a celestial relationship with a principled and converted disciple who is actively seeking exaltation and wants the same for you and your children, this is the way," he wrote, positioning himself as the gatekeeper to spiritual worthiness.

What makes this situation particularly complex is that Peter's intentions likely came from a genuine place of faith. Many of us who hold strong religious convictions struggle with the balance between standing firm in our beliefs and remaining open to different perspectives. Yet when our convictions become a pedestal from which we view others, we risk transforming faith from a source of connection into a barrier. It’s possible that Peter’s past experiences left him with deeply held convictions about the role of faith in relationships, which led him to focus on setting strong spiritual boundaries.

The most revealing moment came in Peter's parting advice: "Let this be the last time that you don't consider yourself worthy of a faithful partner." This statement, though perhaps intended as encouragement, revealed a fundamental misunderstanding. Julie's decision to end the relationship wasn't about feeling unworthy – it was about recognizing her own worth and choosing not to remain in a dynamic where her perspectives and feelings were consistently undermined.

This experience highlights a crucial lesson about faith-based relationships: True spiritual partnership requires mutual respect, humility, and the recognition that each person's journey with faith is uniquely their own. When we position ourselves as arbiters of another's worthiness or spiritual correctness, we not only diminish their individual relationship with God but also corrupt the very foundation of genuine connection.

The solution isn't to compromise our beliefs or lower our standards. Instead, it's about approaching relationships with what scripture calls "love unfeigned" – genuine, unpretentious care for another person that respects their agency and dignity. It's about recognizing that while our faith might guide our choices, it shouldn't become a weapon of judgment or a tool for control.

For those navigating the waters of faith-based dating, Julie's experience offers valuable insights. Watch for partners who wear their faith as a badge of superiority rather than a source of genuine connection. Pay attention to how differences in perspective are handled – does your potential partner seek to understand, or do they immediately position themselves as spiritually correct?

Most importantly, remember that a truly faithful relationship builds up both partners, creating space for individual growth while strengthening shared beliefs. When faith becomes a shield behind which we hide our insecurities or a sword with which we judge others, we've lost sight of its true purpose: to bring us closer to both God and each other.

Alma 31:14-18 – This passage describes the Zoramites' prideful prayers in the Book of Mormon. They thank God that they are "better than [their] brethren," demonstrating their belief in their own elect status and separation from others due to supposed righteousness. This captures the essence of a self-righteous, exclusionary mindset.

Luke 22:33-34 – Peter's confidence in his own loyalty is evident when he assures Jesus, "Lord, I am ready to go with thee, both into prison, and to death." Jesus then predicts Peter's denial, highlighting Peter's overconfidence and vulnerability to self-righteousness.

Proverbs 16:18 – “Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.” This general scriptural principle applies to both Peter’s and the Zoramites’ attitudes, highlighting the dangers of self-righteousness and pride.

Matthew 26:33-35 – Similar to the Luke reference, here Peter again asserts his unwavering faithfulness, saying, "Though all men shall be offended because of thee, yet will I never be offended." Jesus’s response foreshadows Peter's coming denial, which emphasizes the risk of spiritual pride.

Alma 32:12-16 – Following the account of the Zoramites, Alma teaches that humility is essential to true faith. He contrasts those who are "compelled to be humble" with those who "humble themselves because of the word." This can be seen as a subtle rebuke to both the Zoramites and any form of self-righteousness that exalts individuals above others.

Tags: Religious Dating, Control