I Think vs I Feel

2023/12/30 04:48 PM Filed in: Communication

When is it appropriate to use the phrase "I think" vs "I feel," and does it even matter? I would argue that it does matter since words matter, and people base their choices and opinions on the words you say, and not everyone is emotionally mature or can tell the difference between the two. Taking an educated guess based on how freely those two are thrown around, I feel that seems to be the way most people lean when I think they mean "I think" (see what I did there).

One can argue if you use the phrase, I feel then people can't argue with your feelings because, well, they are your feelings and your experience. If you say, I think then your thinking can be off, or someone can argue that more, and if you are proven wrong in the way you think, then you end up looking like a fool and feeling foolish and lose whatever reputation you have.

Also, in religious cultures like I have been brought up in, when you say I feel, that is pretty loose to can be a vague trump card of promptings from the Holy Spirit or some other devine or gut guidance that one should go with over someone else's I think because you don't need to explain your feelings in any logical way. You feel it, and if something potentially wrong happened because of not doing it, you can say, or if you are a better person, think "you "should" have gone with my feelings." If something didn't go well and it was your feelings, well, there must have been something we can learn from it.

In "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg, he gives the most straightforward explanation of when to use one over the other. You only need to use I feel if you are about to describe an emotion, and if you can substitute how you think, then you don't need to say I feel. You don't substitute it for emotion and say what you think after the phrase.

Let's go with a few examples and see if you can spot an "I think" or an "I feel."

1) I ______ that I am sad because you chose to party with your friends instead of going on a date with me on our date night.

"I feel" there is an emotion attached.

2) I ________ that it was unkind of you to choose to party with your friends instead of going on a date with me on our date night.

"I think" because you are stating your opinion about something. Your opinion could be changed or proven wrong if, for example, they had no way of getting a hold of you and were in an accident, and you assumed that they were out partying with their friends instead of spending time with you.

3) I ______ that we should go to a movie tonight since we haven't seen one in a long time.

I think because there is no emotional state involved other than your desires, and your brain prompts your wishes and, I guess. It is accurate and can be argued that your brain causes your state of emotions by the way you think, and I would agree. That is the basis of CBT and many other counseling methods.

So, in example three, if someone chooses not to go to the movie after you give your case of why you think you should go. Then you could say, "I feel upset that you are choosing to do something else when I want to (not I "feel strongly about") going to the movies. That keeps two from debating who feels stronger and allows selfishness to be called out more quickly by yourself and others. Hopefully, you can start to see subtle and probably unconscious behaviors we have developed in our speech over time that cause frustration.