Influence, Not Control: Nurturing Healthy Relationships

Influence, Not Control: Nurturing Healthy Relationships
The Burden of Responsibility
As parents and partners, we often feel a profound sense of responsibility to guide and protect those we love. This sense of duty can lead us to inadvertently try to control their choices and behaviors. However, true love and lasting relationships flourish on influence, not control. Recognizing this shift can help us foster deeper connections.
The Scriptural Perspective
Many scriptures underscore the importance of teaching and guiding others, especially children*. Jacob in the Book of Mormon states, "And we did magnify our office unto the Lord, taking upon us the responsibility, answering for the sins of the people upon our own heads if we did not teach them the word of God with all diligence" (Jacob 1:19).
The King James Version also emphasizes virtues such as patience and long-suffering, which are crucial in nurturing relationships. For instance, in 2 Timothy 3:10, we read about the need for patience: "But thou hast fully known my doctrine, manner of life, purpose, faith, longsuffering, charity, patience." Similarly, Galatians 5:22-23 speaks of the fruits of the Spirit, which include long-suffering: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith."
While these scriptures highlight our responsibilities as guides, it’s essential to understand that our role is to influence, not to control. God desires us to choose with our agency, not to be compelled (see 2 Nephi 2:27). Our true responsibility lies in creating a loving and supportive environment where our loved ones can thrive.
The Difference Between Influence and Control
Influence involves using persuasion, encouragement, and positive reinforcement to guide others toward desired behaviors. In contrast, control seeks to exert power and dominance to compel compliance. In relationships, control can breed resentment and conflict, while influence nurtures cooperation, understanding, and mutual respect.
The Dangers of Control in Relationships
When we attempt to control our partners, we risk undermining their autonomy and self-worth, leading to feelings of resentment and withdrawal. Rather than fostering intimacy, control often breeds distance and disconnection. Recognizing this dynamic can be pivotal in nurturing a healthier relationship.
The Power of Influence
To build strong, healthy relationships, we should prioritize influence over control. Here are some effective strategies:
  • Effective Communication:
    • Active Listening: Fully engage with your partner's words and feelings without interruption.
    • "I" Statements: Share your feelings and needs constructively, avoiding blame.
    • Validate Feelings: Acknowledge your partner's emotions, even in disagreement.
  • Mutual Respect: Treat your partner with kindness, understanding, and respect, reinforcing their dignity and agency.
  • Empathy: Strive to understand your partner's perspective, fostering a sense of connection and support.
  • Compromise: Be open to finding solutions that accommodate both partners' needs and desires.
The Role of Nonviolent Communication
Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg, offers a valuable framework for expressing needs and resolving conflicts with compassion. By concentrating on needs, feelings, and requests, NVC helps us shift from controlling behaviors to compassionate communication. For instance, instead of saying, "You always interrupt me," you might express, "When I'm interrupted, I feel frustrated because I want to fully express my thoughts. Would you be willing to listen without interrupting?" This approach honors the other person's autonomy while clearly articulating your needs.
By embracing the difference between influence and control, practicing effective communication and empathy, and fostering patience and long-suffering in our relationships, we can cultivate stronger, more fulfilling connections with our loved ones. Ultimately, a focus on influence fosters an environment of growth and collaboration, enriching both partners and deepening the bond you share.

                                                                                                    


*Book of Mormon

  1. 2 Nephi 4:6
    • "Wherefore, if ye are cursed, behold, I leave my blessing upon you, that the cursing may be taken from you and be answered upon the heads of your parents."
  2. 2 Nephi 9:44
    • "O, my beloved brethren, remember my words. Behold, I take off my garments, and I shake them before you; I pray the God of my salvation that he view me with his all-searching eye; wherefore, ye shall know at the last day, when all men shall be judged of their works, that the God of Israel did witness that I shook your iniquities from my soul, and that I stand with brightness before him, and am rid of your blood."
  3. Jacob 1:19
    • "And we did magnify our office unto the Lord, taking upon us the responsibility, answering the sins of the people upon our own heads if we did not teach them the word of God with all diligence; wherefore, by laboring with our might their blood might not come upon our garments; otherwise their blood would come upon our garments, and we would not be found spotless at the last day."
  4. Jacob 2:2
    • "Now, my beloved brethren, I, Jacob, according to the responsibility which I am under to God, to magnify mine office with soberness, and that I might rid my garments of your sins, I come up into the temple this day that I might declare unto you the word of God."
  5. Mosiah 2:27
    • "Therefore, as I said unto you that I had served you, walking with a clear conscience before God, even so I at this time have caused that ye should assemble yourselves together, that I might be found blameless, and that your blood should not come upon me, when I shall stand to be judged of God of the things whereof he hath commanded me concerning you."
  6. Mosiah 4:14-15
    • "14 And ye will not suffer your children that they go hungry, or naked; neither will ye suffer that they transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel one with another, and serve the devil, who is the master of sin, or who is the evil spirit which hath been spoken of by our fathers, he being an enemy to all righteousness.
      15 But ye will teach them to walk in the ways of truth and soberness; ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another."
  7. 3 Nephi 22:13
    • "All thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the peace of thy children."

New Testament
  1. Acts 20:26
    • "Wherefore I take you to record this day, that I am pure from the blood of all men."

Old Testament
  1. Ezekiel 34:10
    • "Thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I am against the shepherds; and I will require my flock at their hand, and cause them to cease from feeding the flock; neither shall the shepherds feed themselves any more; for I will deliver my flock from their mouth, that they may not be meat for them."

Doctrine and Covenants
  1. D&C 68:25
    • "Parents are commanded to teach their children about the doctrine of repentance, faith in Christ, baptism, and the gift of the Holy Ghost."
  2. D&C 68:25-32
    • "25 And again, inasmuch as parents have children in Zion, or in any of her stakes which are organized, that teach them not to understand the doctrine of repentance, faith in Christ the Son of the living God, and of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of the hands, when eight years old, the sin be upon the heads of the parents.
      26 For this shall be a law unto the inhabitants of Zion, or in any of her stakes which are organized.
      27 And their children shall be baptized for the remission of their sins when eight years old, and receive the laying on of the hands.
      28 And they shall also teach their children to pray, and to walk uprightly before the Lord.
      29 And the inhabitants of Zion shall also observe the Sabbath day to keep it holy.
      30 And the inhabitants of Zion also shall remember their labors, inasmuch as they are appointed to labor, in all faithfulness; for the idler shall be had in remembrance before the Lord.
      31 Now, I, the Lord, am not well pleased with the inhabitants of Zion, for there are idlers among them; and their children are also growing up in wickedness; they also seek not earnestly the riches of eternity, but their eyes are full of greediness.
      32 These things ought not to be, and must be done away from among them;"
  3. D&C 88:85
    • "That their souls may escape the wrath of God, the desolation of abomination which awaits the wicked, both in this world and in the world to come. Verily, I say unto you, let those who are not the first elders continue in the vineyard until the mouth of the Lord shall call them, for their time is not yet come; their garments are not clean from the blood of this generation."
  4. D&C 112:33
    • "Verily I say unto you, behold how great is your calling. Cleanse your hearts and your garments, lest the blood of this generation be required at your hands."

Proclamation on the Family
  • "Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live."

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