Influence Not Control

2024/04/01 12:00 AM Filed in: Communication

Letting Go of the Reins: Advice as Influence, Not Control
We've all been there. A friend wrestles with a decision, and we, brimming with experience (or maybe just strong opinions!), launch into a passionate recommendation. But what happens when they choose differently? Does a knot of disappointment tighten in your gut? Especially if it is a child or family member.

If you can't stomach someone not taking your advice you might be trying to control rather than actually giving advice. It's time to reframe advice as a tool of influence, not control. It may be that you find it hard to trust their judgment; this reveals an underlying lack of belief in their ability to make informed choices and can drive a wedge in your relationship.

The Control Trap
The desire to control situations, including other people's choices, often stems from a fear of the unknown. We offer advice because we believe our way is the "right" way, the one that guarantees a positive outcome. This creates a mental trap. We become invested in the person's decision, and their deviation feels like a personal failure on our part or a lack of courtesy and respect from the other person.
This control mentality can strain relationships. Unsolicited advice can feel intrusive, and when rejected, it can breed resentment. It also undermines the other person's autonomy. After all, growth often comes from navigating our own path, even if it leads to unexpected turns.

Shifting Gears: Advice as Influence
So, how do we offer guidance without getting entangled in the control game? Here's a shift in perspective:

Focus on working through possible outcomes. Instead of dictating a course of action, give the gift of your time to be a sounding board for possibilities and their potential consequences. This empowers the person to make an informed decision based on their values and circumstances. Suicide, text lines, and prevention do all they can to help the other person come up with solutions since that will likely have the most impact.
Practice active listening. Before diving in with advice, truly listen to their concerns and the factors influencing their choice. This understanding allows you to tailor your suggestions and ensure they're relevant. A doctor to give a prescription without knowing all the symptoms, what's been tried in the past, and what allergies they may have.
Offer multiple perspectives. Don't present your way as the only way. Share alternative approaches, even if they differ from your own.
Respect their autonomy. Ultimately, the choice belongs to them. Express your support for their decision, regardless of whether it aligns with your initial thoughts.

The Freedom of Letting Go
Letting go of the need to control doesn't mean indifference. You can still care deeply about the person and their situation. But by offering guidance instead of dictating it, you create a space for genuine support.
Here are some unexpected benefits of this approach:

Stronger relationships. When people feel respected and empowered, trust flourishes. They'll be more receptive to your future advice because they know it comes from a place of genuine concern.
Personal growth. By detaching from the outcome, you open yourself to learning from their experiences, even if they differ from your expectations.
Reduced stress. You no longer carry the burden of responsibility for other people's choices.

The Mental Fitness Test
So, the next time you feel the urge to dispense advice, use this as a mental fitness test: Are you offering influence or control? Can you accept the possibility that they might choose differently?
Embracing this shift will strengthen your relationships and free you from the burden of controlling situations that are ultimately out of your hands. Remember, a wonderful gift you can offer someone is the space to make their own choices and learn from the consequences. Now, go forth and influence, not control!

Tags: Relationships