I recently had a conversation with one of my sons about passive-aggressive behavior, and it occurred to me that the term is not clear, and things that were stated as passive-aggressive didn't seem that way at all to me. I came up with a few examples of what I thought was passive-aggressive but we both seemed like we were at a loss to list many examples and clearly define it so I thought there may be others in the same boat who have a vague understanding of it or like us think they know but might be hard pressed to list several examples but they "know" what it is when it happens and they don't like it.
We'll start off with a classic of using the old dictionary because why not use the resources we have that try to define standards of what words mean? Webster's Dictionary defines passive-aggressive as "being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive way (as through procrastination, stubbornness, and unwillingness to communicate)"
Passive-aggressive behavior occurs when someone expresses negative feelings, resentment, or frustration indirectly rather than addressing them openly. It often involves subtle, non-confrontational actions or comments that convey discontent while allowing the person to deny any negative intent.
Passive-aggressive behavior can harm relationships by creating confusion, fostering resentment, and undermining open communication. Passive-aggressive behavior is a way of expressing negative feelings indirectly. It can be subtle or more obvious, but it's always a way of avoiding direct communication.
Here’s a table categorizing passive-aggressive statements and behaviors for better context (because every good blog post about communication needs a good table):
| Category | Statements | Behaviors |
Dismissive Responses | "Sure, whatever you think is best." | Ignoring messages or calls |
| "It’s fine." (Clearly upset) | Silent treatment | |
| "Don’t worry about it. I’ll figure it out." | Withholding help or information | |
| "I didn’t expect you to actually do it." | Procrastination on tasks | |
| "If that’s what you want to do..." | Avoiding direct communication | |
| Guilt-Inducing | "I guess I’ll just do it myself." | Giving the silent treatment |
| "Nice of you to join us." (When someone is late) | Subtle exclusion | |
| "You’re lucky I’m so forgiving." | Holding past issues over someone | |
| "Some people just have it easier, I guess." | Making passive comparisons | |
| Subtle Criticism | "I thought you’d want to know." | Backhanded compliments |
| "I’m sure you tried your best." (Condescending) | Sarcastic praise | |
| "Must be nice to have so much free time." | Snide remarks | |
| "It must be nice to be perfect." | Critical looks or expressions | |
| Invalidation | "Why are you getting so upset?" | Dismissive gestures (eye rolls) |
| "I didn’t realize you were so sensitive." | Ignoring emotions intentionally | |
| Deflection/Blame Shift | "I was only trying to help." | Blaming others for problems |
| "Oh, I thought you knew." (After failing to inform) | Making excuses for mistakes | |
| Resentment/Bitterness | "I’m used to being disappointed." | Sighing loudly, showing frustration |
| "I didn’t think you’d care." | Avoiding direct responsibility | |
| Manipulation | "I’m not mad, just disappointed." | Spreading gossip or rumors |
| "No offense, but..." (Before saying something offensive) | Subtle sabotage or obstruction |