TREATS: A Christ-Centered Approach to Meaningful Conversations

From EAR to TREATS: A Personalized Path to Genuine Communication
Effective communication is vital for healthy relationships. Dr. David Burns’ EAR model-Empathy, Assertiveness, and Respect-has helped many people build trust and resolve conflict. I deeply appreciate the strengths of EAR, especially its focus on empathy and respect.

What I Value About EAR-and Where I Struggled
The EAR model’s Empathy step is powerful, but I found it challenging because it actually combines four separate skills into one letter:

• Disarming Technique: Finding truth in the other person’s view.
• Thought Empathy: Paraphrasing what they’ve said.
• Feeling Empathy: Naming and validating their emotions.
• Inquiry: Asking if you’ve understood them correctly.

While these are all essential, I found it difficult to remember and apply them naturally in real conversations because they’re packed into a single step. Terms like “Disarming Technique” and “Stroking” also felt a bit artificial to me-I wanted language that felt more genuine and heartfelt. (For a detailed breakdown of these skills, see Dr. Burns’ Five Secrets PDF.)
This isn’t a criticism of EAR or Dr. Burns-his work is valuable and has helped many. I simply needed a model that was easier for me to remember and felt more authentic in my daily life.

Introducing TREATS: A Simpler, More Personal Approach
With help from Anne Taylor, I created the TREATS method. It’s built on the same foundational values as EAR, but uses steps and language that feel more natural for me.

The TREATS Steps

1. Truth
• Find the truth-no matter how small-in what the other person is saying.
• Scripture: “Wherefore, putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.” (Ephesians 4:25)
2. Rephrase
• Repeat back what you heard in your own words to ensure understanding.
• Example: “So you’re saying you felt left out when I didn’t call?”
3. Empathize
• Imagine yourself in their situation, feeling what they feel.
• Scripture: “Mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.” (Mosiah 18:9)
4. Ask
• Confirm your understanding: “Did I get that right? Is that how you’re feeling?”
• Repeat Rephrase and Empathize until they say “Yes, that’s exactly it,” and feel truly heard.
• Scripture: “Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.” (James 1:19)
5. Tell
• Only after the other person says they feel 100% heard and understood-and if you still feel the need-ask if it’s okay to share your perspective. If they say no, recognize that they’re not ready, and that starting with your truth would not have been effective.
• This approach aligns with Stephen Covey’s Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (FranklinCovey; Shortform). Covey teaches that only after someone feels truly understood are they open to hearing your perspective.
6. Sincere
• End with gratitude and respect for the other person’s willingness to engage.
• Scripture: “In every thing give thanks.” (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

Real-World Practice and Challenges
Even after years of practice, these steps take effort-especially when emotions run high or I’m tired and frustrated. But I keep coming back to these principles, because they help me connect with others more genuinely.
For example, when my former spouse pointed out that repeated apologies might seem insincere to our children, I recognized the truth in that feedback. Still, I believe that making the effort to communicate honestly and kindly-even imperfectly-matters.

A Musical Reminder
To help remember the steps, listen to The Communication Song (TREATS):

• Apple Music
• Amazon
• Spotify

Key Takeaways

• David Burns’ EAR model is a powerful, proven approach to healthy communication, but its “E” step combines several skills that can be challenging to remember and apply all at once.
• TREATS is a simplified, personalized adaptation that breaks these steps down and uses language that feels more natural for some people.
• Telling your truth comes only after the other person feels 100% heard and you’ve asked permission. If they say no, it’s a sign they’re not ready to hear your perspective-a principle that echoes Stephen Covey’s Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood.
• Both models emphasize listening, understanding, honest expression, and respect.
• Real connection takes daily effort, humility, and gratitude.

For more on the original skills, see Dr. Burns’ Five Secrets PDF. In future posts, we will take a deeper dive into each letter of TREATS.



Links of Interest:

1. https://amzn.to/3FgMCFh
2. https://feelinggood.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/Five-Secr
3. https://open.spotify.com/album/4ntQHcOL8fJjMOjmkj9Axx
4. https://amzn.to/3FgMCFh
5. https://feelinggood.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/Five-Secr
6. https://open.spotify.com/album/4ntQHcOL8fJjMOjmkj9Axx
7. https://www.franklincovey.com/courses/the-7-habits/habit-5/
8. https://www.shortform.com/blog/habit-5-seek-first-to-understand-then-be-understood-7-habits/
9. https://www.executiveagenda.com/resources/blog/7-habits-of-highly-effective-people-habit-5
10. https://www.ethicssage.com/2019/03/coveys-7-habits-of-highly-effective-people-an-ethics-perspective.html
11. https://www.gbnews.ch/the-7-habits-of-highly-effective-people-habit-5-seek-first-to-understand-then-to-be-understood/
12. https://mtlynch.io/book-reports/7-habits-of-highly-effective-people/
13. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i98FAsHydlE
14. https://www.reddit.com/r/getdisciplined/comments/tz5kc4/the_7_habits_of_highly_effective_people_how_it/
15. https://lmwgroup.com/habits-of-highly-effective-people-seek-first-to-understand/
16. https://open.spotify.com/episode/0SsPhfGzuVezUL6mtrfs9y

 

blog comments powered by Disqus