"That's My Boundary!"
2024/03/01 12:00 AM Filed in: Communication
See January 1st Post.
Stating, "that's my boundary."
In this post, we'll delve into why stating "that's my boundary" often does not yield the results you are after. Hopefully, you state your boundary without ever saying the word boundary.
As a man, hearing someone say, that's my boundary, feels very provoking and contentious. It brings up things like rape and violation, which are highly cutting and powerful words. If I am conversing with someone and trying to work things out, there is no need to use the word boundary, that it is your boundary, or that I am crossing over it.
When that word is used in that context, it seems like you are helpless, and I am using power and dominance to override or rule you. Just state it a second or third time and clarify that you are unwilling to budge. That is where you are on a subject, and I, and probably most people, will get the clue; of course, they may not be happy with your boundary or feel/think that it is selfish, but that is the beautiful thing about them is it keeps you in control of what you can control yourself and what you will or will not do. Using the word boundary when talking to another person in a way is like trying to control them rather than yourself and what you will allow and won't allow.
For example if you have co-workers that often email or text you outside of work hours; you can state out of kindness that you keep that time for your family or other personal care and want to show up the best you can for them and others and not always being on call is part of how and why you do that.
There would be no need to to state, "I have a boundary of people not contacting me about work-related matters when I am away from work." Worse yet, shaming or making them feel dumb for not realizing that. You share your boundary out of kindness. You could alternatively just not ever respond because your boundaries are for you and not for them. That however would not be very kind or loving and would likely send the wrong message.
Possible responses from your co-works might be that you didn't reach our deadline or goal and therefor need to continue working. That could be looked at as wow they are hard workers and really want to keep going and have a great work ethic or you could choose to think that they are guilting and shamming you and not very kind or good people. Communication is often difficult.
Clearly, they don't understand all the other dynamics of your life they don't experience. Replying with compassion sometimes two or three more times is all that is needed for people to know where you stand. No need to get upset or angry with the other person, think that they are clueless or worse a selfish, narssasistic jerk. Know that part of proper communication is stating things three different times and often in different ways. Not recognizing this will lead to a lot of irritation and anger on your part, which is also something you are in control of.
Again your boundaries can be communicated effectively and in love without using the word boundary. Jumping to "that's my boundary" or, even worse, "you're violating my boundary" is just asking for trouble and probably isn't giving you the result you want unless you are contentious and are just trying to rile the other person. You put up walls, and further agravate the situation when you use strong words like boundary or violate when someone is trying to reason with you through furthere discussion.
Hopefully, there is enough self-awareness that your feelings and reality can be vastly different. If this were not the case, everyone in the same situation would feel the same. It is essential to step outside of those emotions and observe your feelings before responding to whatever may trigger you. Meditation, mindfulness, and metacognition are crucial when sharing your boundaries with others.
If this is difficult and you have ever found yourself using those words when other words would have been better, count your blessings. You still have future rounds and time to practice multiple responses you will say instead.
I messed up and used the word boundary out loud when talking to my daughter yesterday. She kept pushing me on something and I kept violating my boundry after saying I wouldn't communicate with her unless she spoke up and spoke clearly. I was really talking to myself when I said embarissingly "I have said multiple times I can't hear you when you talk so soft and in the other room and I am not going to keep telling you that and that's my boundary." I gagged when I said those words. I was trying to convince myself of my boundaries rather than convincing her. I had already stated that I couldn't understand her when she spoke into a blanket, or the other direction and I would talk with her when she came to me and clearly stated what she needed. I had already written this post, and I have repeatedly said that using the word boundary in setting your boundaries is unproductive and provocative.
It is a great reminder to live, learn, and be patient with people and yourself. We all need love and compassion, even the grumpiest and selfish among us. Boundaries are fantastic and a great way to help our brothers and sisters in the human family grow. I am grateful when others set boundaries with me and help me know where they stand.
It is usually better to replace rather than take away. If you tell yourself you won't say something without something in place of what you will do, that is a recipe for disaster, and you will likely not succeed in what you set out to do. So, have a postmortem with yourself, be gentle, and ask what you could have said instead. What would have been more compassionate while maintaining your boundaries? Remember, boundaries are usually compassionate.
Stating, "that's my boundary."
In this post, we'll delve into why stating "that's my boundary" often does not yield the results you are after. Hopefully, you state your boundary without ever saying the word boundary.
As a man, hearing someone say, that's my boundary, feels very provoking and contentious. It brings up things like rape and violation, which are highly cutting and powerful words. If I am conversing with someone and trying to work things out, there is no need to use the word boundary, that it is your boundary, or that I am crossing over it.
When that word is used in that context, it seems like you are helpless, and I am using power and dominance to override or rule you. Just state it a second or third time and clarify that you are unwilling to budge. That is where you are on a subject, and I, and probably most people, will get the clue; of course, they may not be happy with your boundary or feel/think that it is selfish, but that is the beautiful thing about them is it keeps you in control of what you can control yourself and what you will or will not do. Using the word boundary when talking to another person in a way is like trying to control them rather than yourself and what you will allow and won't allow.
For example if you have co-workers that often email or text you outside of work hours; you can state out of kindness that you keep that time for your family or other personal care and want to show up the best you can for them and others and not always being on call is part of how and why you do that.
There would be no need to to state, "I have a boundary of people not contacting me about work-related matters when I am away from work." Worse yet, shaming or making them feel dumb for not realizing that. You share your boundary out of kindness. You could alternatively just not ever respond because your boundaries are for you and not for them. That however would not be very kind or loving and would likely send the wrong message.
Possible responses from your co-works might be that you didn't reach our deadline or goal and therefor need to continue working. That could be looked at as wow they are hard workers and really want to keep going and have a great work ethic or you could choose to think that they are guilting and shamming you and not very kind or good people. Communication is often difficult.
Clearly, they don't understand all the other dynamics of your life they don't experience. Replying with compassion sometimes two or three more times is all that is needed for people to know where you stand. No need to get upset or angry with the other person, think that they are clueless or worse a selfish, narssasistic jerk. Know that part of proper communication is stating things three different times and often in different ways. Not recognizing this will lead to a lot of irritation and anger on your part, which is also something you are in control of.
Again your boundaries can be communicated effectively and in love without using the word boundary. Jumping to "that's my boundary" or, even worse, "you're violating my boundary" is just asking for trouble and probably isn't giving you the result you want unless you are contentious and are just trying to rile the other person. You put up walls, and further agravate the situation when you use strong words like boundary or violate when someone is trying to reason with you through furthere discussion.
Hopefully, there is enough self-awareness that your feelings and reality can be vastly different. If this were not the case, everyone in the same situation would feel the same. It is essential to step outside of those emotions and observe your feelings before responding to whatever may trigger you. Meditation, mindfulness, and metacognition are crucial when sharing your boundaries with others.
If this is difficult and you have ever found yourself using those words when other words would have been better, count your blessings. You still have future rounds and time to practice multiple responses you will say instead.
I messed up and used the word boundary out loud when talking to my daughter yesterday. She kept pushing me on something and I kept violating my boundry after saying I wouldn't communicate with her unless she spoke up and spoke clearly. I was really talking to myself when I said embarissingly "I have said multiple times I can't hear you when you talk so soft and in the other room and I am not going to keep telling you that and that's my boundary." I gagged when I said those words. I was trying to convince myself of my boundaries rather than convincing her. I had already stated that I couldn't understand her when she spoke into a blanket, or the other direction and I would talk with her when she came to me and clearly stated what she needed. I had already written this post, and I have repeatedly said that using the word boundary in setting your boundaries is unproductive and provocative.
It is a great reminder to live, learn, and be patient with people and yourself. We all need love and compassion, even the grumpiest and selfish among us. Boundaries are fantastic and a great way to help our brothers and sisters in the human family grow. I am grateful when others set boundaries with me and help me know where they stand.
It is usually better to replace rather than take away. If you tell yourself you won't say something without something in place of what you will do, that is a recipe for disaster, and you will likely not succeed in what you set out to do. So, have a postmortem with yourself, be gentle, and ask what you could have said instead. What would have been more compassionate while maintaining your boundaries? Remember, boundaries are usually compassionate.
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